


Merry Christmas (I Dont Want to Fight Tonight with You)

by Sleepyfaceandsnark



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Christmas Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Fluff, Eventual reunion, Exes, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Friendship, Gen, Gift Exchange, Holidays, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Lost Love, M/M, Post-Break Up, Problems that would be resolved if talking happened, Relationship Problems, Reunion, Reunions, Some Fluff, Unresolved Emotional Tension, other ships but decided to only tag the ones that have lines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:20:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27840640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sleepyfaceandsnark/pseuds/Sleepyfaceandsnark
Summary: When Bucky and Steve have to fake that they're still together to save themselves from possibly ruining Christmas for their friends will it be too much for them to handle or will the truth of their separation come to light?
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Riley/Sam Wilson
Comments: 5
Kudos: 26





	Merry Christmas (I Dont Want to Fight Tonight with You)

**Author's Note:**

> A Christmas gift to Nikki! Hope this is good and Merry Christmas!! <3
> 
> Also side note: Fic title and opening/closing lyrics from the song Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight) by The Ramones.

_"Merry Christmas, I don't want to fight tonight_   
_Merry Christmas, I don't want to fight tonight_   
_Merry Christmas, I don't want to fight tonight with you"_

* * *

Bucky and Steve were what their friend group called the..."IT COUPLE". Well maybe not it couple..maybe more couple goals. Basically if it was socially acceptable to "ship" your friends relationship they did. They were always talking about how great they were, how supportive, how sweet, or how if they could have a partner it'd be one or the other. Which is why both of them knew how utterly devastating it'd be to their friends if they discovered they broke up.

Especially so close to the holiday seasons: cozy weather, family and friends gatherings, mistletoe. Plus it'd be like telling a kid there's no Santa Claus the day before Christmas. They figured they'd let their friends down easy come new years and they'll hopefully be over it by Valentines Day. It'd be easy to fake it for a while if it wasn't for Tony's annual Christmas party. And one might think with someone as high profile as Tony Stark it'd be a pretty large party but they had all managed to talk him down to just a small gathering a few years back, a choice of which they're regretting now.

Tony always had a theme. This years it's A Very Homey Christmas. He rented out a, somewhat large house but no large enough to hide.

One might ask how the Avengers It Couple broke up and it all comes down to: It's complicated. It happened the end of October with Steve packing most of his bags by the first week of November.

They try to coordinate what to do so they don't give themselves away as soon as the door to the party is opened but I mean coordinating with an ex...especially a recent one isn't the easiest task.

Night of the party comes and Bucky meets Steve in the parking lot of a General Store nearby so they could arrive together in the same car. To both of their surprise they managed to somewhat coordinate their outfits, the gifts on the other hand were a different story. By some rule in the Secret Santa couples got couples and single got singles. I guess they figured someone in a couple would have to buy one for their secret santa and one for their partner while the singles would in retrospect be buying less gifts Christmas season. Only a little cruel with singling out the ...singles but in all honestly there were getting less and less singles as the years went by. Although now this time next year Steve and Bucky will help increase their numbers.

The thought of next year scares both of them though neither outwardly say it. One always says things pass in time, pain passes in time so in a year the pain of separating won't be nearly as strong or there at all. Though one also says grieving never goes away when a death happens. Maybe their breakup was more like a death, that empty pain in your heart that just lasts and lasts, subsides a little until you think about that someone again and it all rushes forth. So maybe their pain will never go away because it was more like grieving ...and boy were they both grieving. Again neither admitting to it to the other.

I know what you're thinking oh if only they just communicated, talked things out they'd see how they both feel. They would know how much pain they're each in and with that amount of pain they're both experiencing surely they shouldn't be apart. But the thing about ex's ...especially ex's trying to fake it until the clock strikes midnight the 31st is there's not much talking...let alone communicating.

This year they got Sam and Riley. Bucky remembers being happy about that because he thought Sam finding Riley again after all these years was so beautifully reflective of him and Steve finding each other again, but now it just hurts.

"What's your half?" Steve asks.

The only thing he's said to Bucky since pulling up beside him and pushing the passenger door open. Bucky looks at the gift bag between his legs. It's not yet packaged. He was going to wait for Steves to put with his so it looked like they got them together. He sighs and digs into the bag to show Steve what he got.

"Cook books," Bucky starts listing. "New cooking utensils, kiss the chef apron," he laughs lightly at that last one.

"Greatt," Steve huffs out. "Tell me how that's supposed to go with this?" Steve grabs a bag behind Bucky and plops it in his lap.

"What's this?" Bucky asks searching through it.

"Couple of movies: special edition, gourmet popcorn, packs of candy, soundtrack for some of said movies."

Bucky breathes out in frustration as well. "Could've been avoided if we actually talked about it..."

"Says the guy that can't communicate."

"Says the guy that won't answer his texts!' He takes only a quick glance at Steve and can see the blonde rolling his eyes. "Or even my calls..." Buckys says quieter to himself. Steve says nothing to that but Bucky knew he was actively avoiding him.

"Well we might as well get all this out now before we get there," Steve says. God they couldn't even get through one car ride.

"Nothing really to get out. You just won't answer your fuckin phone," Bucky mumbles back to himself.

"Hm?"

"Nothing," Bucky turns his head to stare out the window. He wonders, wonders what situation people in the cars passing them were in. Maybe they had a fight with their partner too and were staring out the window like him. He smiles at the idea of that probably being true. The holiday can always either bring out the best in people or the worst. Then he realizes he doesn't share the same situation as them because him and Steve they weren't partners anymore, just 2 exes faking it for the benefit of their friends (and to not forever be labeled as the men who ruined Christmas). Bucky clears his throat and shakes his head from the thought of those other couples. How they'll kiss and make up and go home wrapped around their significant other. He rubs his eyes to stop any tears from escaping his eyes had they wished to.

"What?" Steve asks, barely interested.

"Just...people..." Bucky decides to look out the front window instead, not wanting to people watch and not wanting to look at Steve.

"They look happy." Steve finishes Bucky's sentences moments later.

"Yeah," and Bucky wants to say 'remember? remember when we were happy like that? what happened?'. But he doesn't because they're almost there and because Steve couldn't even give him the decency to answer his phone to talk about what happened when he grabbed his things that November afternoon. So Bucky leaves it at an agreement with Steve. The first they've had in a very long time and Steve doesn't say anything more either, just moves his hand to the heater to turn it up higher as they drive by more smiling faces and couples arm in arm.

"What're we going to do with this mess?" Steve asks pointing to their very different ideas of couples presents.

"I don't know. Just tell them we got different gifts for each person's interest they can share with the other."

Steve sighs. "Sam doesn't even cook."

Bucky sucks his teeth, trying not to further start a fight. "Riley does." He says bluntly and Steve lets it go, or so Bucky thinks until he realizes Steve pulled up by the gate to the property and was now pulling out his phone to find the code Tony gave them.

"Movies they can do together." Steve says after the gate beeps and starts opening. _Yeah definitely didnt' let it go._

"So you got them something they can do together, even though Sam is definitely more of the movie fanatic. And I got them something one can do _for_ the other so why don't we just drop the fact that we couldn't get them a matching gift and all of this could've been avoided if you picked up your phone once in a while?"

Steve goes quiet.

"Really?" Bucky asks. "Not going to say anything. Not even some dumbass excuse like the swipe for answering won't work?"

Steve says nothing again just sighs and turns down the next street. "Speak of the devil,' he says mostly to himself but he nudges his head towards the window so Bucky knew what he was talking about and sure enough... Sam and Riley walking to the destination, hand in hand.

"Great," Bucky says with a hint of bitter. He loved them both, truly, but seeing them happy and holding hands like that (like the way him and Steve used to) makes him feel all these harsh feelings.

"God, remember that?" Steve says so quietly Bucky almost thinks he made it up.

"Huh?"

"Nothing." Steve makes his turn into a place to park. They had to park in the visiting parking, about a quarter of a mile from the house. Bucky only knows this because he remembers it vaguely being mentioned on the invitations months ago. 

He moves his stick shift into park and turns the engine off. "Should we get more out before we go in or you think you can repress it for a few hours?" Steve finally turns to him but it's not the face Bucky likes to see. His arms are crossed and he's looking at Bucky like an enemy.

And a part of Bucky wants to fight. Especially since he's been trying to talk this whole car ride let alone the entire time since Steve packed his bags and left. Okay he'll admit maybe it was about a week or 2 after he left but still doesn't change the fact that his call would go to voicemail every time and his texts left unread. God he wants to fight so bad, wants to get a tiny bit of something to see what went wrong or what he did to make this happen. But he doesn't. Instead just says he's fine.

"Fine then. You ready?" Steve gives him a beautifully crafted fake smile.

"Yeah. Finally get to put those summers in drama camp to use," He jokes, tries to offer a smile to Steve at the memory of them both as kids mostly goofing off at the camp. Steve's not having it though. He gives a grunt that in a better mood would've been a laugh and opens his door as if it weighed a ton.

Bucky sighs and opens his door as well. This wasn't going to be an easy night. 

It's not so much a giant lodge like Tony had made them envision but rather a neighborhood of cute country styled homes all decorated with Christmas decorations. 

Bucky makes his way around the front of the car towards Steve. He stops by him as if he's waiting for instructions. Steve holds out his open hand without saying a word. 

"Huh?" Bucky asks. 

"Gotta play the part, no?" Steve says, opening his hand more. 

"Right," Bucky says and clears his throat. "Right." He grabs Steve's hand and feels him squeeze it. Almost like he used to-

"Lets go get this over with," Steve breaks Bucky's thoughts. "Got the gift?" 

Bucky lifts his arm up to show the giftbag now filled with both of their gifts. 

They walk hand in hand, very awkward for both of them but to an onlooker didn't look like anything out of the ordinary. They get to the door and Steve gives three knocks on the wood. Bucky swallows hard and readies for the millions of questions they'd get throughout the night about each other. He readies himself to prepare for the last time they'll be known as a couple. He clears his throat, half thankful that whoever was answering the door taking forever and half begging them to come soon and get his mind off of the fact he was holding his ex's hand pretending he was still his. HOlding his ex's hand who he still loved, who's hands still gave him comfort. Bucky doesn't want to let go of Steve's hand and he's terrified then when they do he'll never be able to hold it again. Just when he's about panic about the idea, decide to drop the bag and run off to the car, call this whole thing off, the door opens. 

Nat stands in the doorway with a big smile on her face, red hair illuminating under the bright lights of the house. "Hey!" She says excitedly as she opens the door further for them to step inside. "You made it!" 

"Of course," Bucky says. "Wouldn't miss it. You're really that surprised?" 

"Well since you both mysteriously didn't show up to the Halloween party we weren't sure."   
  


Bucky eyes Steve confused. He told Steve to tell them he was sick but figured he'd still go. Steve catches Bucky's glance and knows what his question would be if they were alone but he looks away and back at Nat who thankfully didn't notice any tension between them.

"Yeah," Steve smiles. "Sorry about that. Got stuck watching some scary movies and someone didn't want to leave."

He playfully pushes Bucky with his shoulder and Bucky gives Nat a tight smile. "He says that but really I had a stomach bug and he was too much of a mother hen to leave me alone." Bucky looks back at Steve and smiles at him, Steve knows Bucky well enough to know it wasn't one of his genuine smiles but anyone else wouldn't. 

Nat smiles and rolls her eyes playfully as she walks further into the house for them to follow. "You two are too disgustingly in love." 

"Hey guys look who it is!" she yells out when she gets to the common area of the house. 

"Hey!!" Everyone yells. 

The guests include 

Tony and Pepper (of course)

Rhodey, Clint, Bruce, Thor

Maria Hill and Sharon, 

Maria R and Carol, 

Sam and Riley, 

and of course Steve and Bucky. 

It's a bit smaller then usual, maybe hence the house instead of renting out an entire building. Bucky was aware T'challa couldn't make it, he was busy this year in Wakanda, he wasn't sure about the others though but he's sure everyone else knew about it when they chose their Secret Santas around Thanksgiving (another holiday him and Steve missed, although that one was common as they usually didn't care to do anything for it anyways). 

Sam and Riley are wrapped in each other and Bucky smiles at them then looks down at his and Steve's hand. He can tell Steve can't wait to have an excuse to let go but for Bucky he doesn't want that. And almost as if Steve could read his mind he feels his hand being squeezed which at first felt like assurance until he felt Steve's palm pull away and his fingers struggling to get out of Bucky's grasp. Bucky sighs to himself and lets him go. Steve rubs his hands together as if he was cold and asks Nat some question about drinks. She grabs Steve's arm and motions him to the kitchen leaving Bucky alone, alone and holding a present. He tries not to let anyone see he's bothered and awkwardly makes his way to the ginormous tree in the room, placing the gift somewhere in the corner from the tree and the wall. 

He smiles to Sam and Riley who wave at him. Bucky bites his lip, guess he should make his way over there. 

"Look who it is," Sam says as Bucky gets closer to them. "Long time no see, man." 

"Yeah," Bucky smiles. "Sorry about missing you at Halloween. I meant to come."

"Hey don't worry about it. We can't all control when we get the flu." 

"Nice to see you again, Bucky," Riley says, holding out his hand for Bucky to shake it. 

"You too," Bucky says back grabbing his hand for a shake. 

"Hey where's Steve?" Sam asks moving his head around to look. 

"Oh uh he's just getting some drinks," Bucky looks around as well as if to show he too was confused as to why Steve wasn't right beside him. 

"Hmm," Sam nods. "You guys doing okay?" 

"Of course," Bucky smiles. "Nat just pulled him in to show him whatever concoction she made up that she thought could fit the definition of a drink." 

Sam laughs. "Didn't want to test those waters huh?" 

"God no," Bucky says. "Guess I'm glad I have a self sacrificing boyfriend." He jokes but it hurts. Boyfriend. And in just a week they'll be telling everyone they're done and they'll be left wondering what happened. If only they themselves even knew. Or maybe they did. Maybe Steve just stopped-

And almost as if Steve could sense Bucky was about to give them away with thinking too much about the situation when he should be burying it, he pops up beside him. He wraps his arm around Bucky's shoulder, a drink in both hands. 

"Here," He says handing the drink of the hand not on Bucky's shoulder. "For you." Bucky takes it and Steve surprises him with a kiss on the cheek. 

"What is it?" Bucky asks, holding up the glass to his nose and pulling away when the vapors of the drink make his eyes water. 

"No idea," Steve laughs and takes the glass in the other hand, letting himself have a sip. 

"And how many samples of, whatever it is, did Nat make you have before you came out here?" Sam asks, trying to suppress his laughter. 

Steve jokingly grimaces and shrugs. Sam and Riley laugh as Bucky still debates if he should let the liquid into his mouth. 

"Try it, Bucky," Steve says, looking at Bucky and all Bucky could think was goddamn was he a good actor. 

Bucky rolls his eyes. "Fine," he takes a small sip of it, coughs a little. "Hmm," he says looking at the glass again. 

"Good huh?" Steve asks. 

Bucky nods and takes a bigger gulp. He was definitely going to need more of these if he was supposed to make it through the night. 

They talk with Sam and Riley for a little bit then move on to others in the party. Saying hi to Tony and Pepper and thanking them again for the party. Talking with Carol and Maria and Maria and Sharon. They find Clint trapped overlooking Nat's drink portioning. They catch up with Rhodey and notice Bruce and Thor seeming closer. 

"Guess they'll replace us," Steve says darkly as soon as they're out of ear sight from the others. Bucky doesn't want to think about that. Doesn't want to think about another set in their group finding each other and falling in love. 

He just nods, not wanting to entertain the idea to Steve. 

"By the way," Steve whispers. "I didn't really have that much of these." He shakes his glass. "Maybe 1 until I told Nat I was driving so she let me go with her latest mixture." 

"Okay..." 

"Just in case you were worried about me driving."

"Right," Bucky thinks. "Guess I figured the serum." 

Steve shrugs. "It falters sometimes. You can though." 

"Hm?" 

"Drink," Steve says. "I figure one of us should get the luxury if we're to get through this." 

"Oh," It's shockingly nice of Steve. "You sure you only had one of those," Bucky jokes and it's a mistake. 

"Forget it." Steve says. 

Bucky lets out a disgruntled noise as Steve crosses his arms. "This night will all be a waste if people start looking over and see us the way we are right now?" 

"I think we're doing fine," Steve says looking to the side.

"Christ, Steve. You can cut the tension with a knife right now." 

"Nobody's looking." 

"They will." 

Steve turns so he's in front of Bucky, almost as if to block everyone else from seeing Bucky's face. "Want me to fake laugh at 'something you said' so we can ease that tension you think they can spot from across a 100ft room?" 

Bucky opens his mouth to answer but Steve does so anyway. Everyone does turn to them then and Bucky offers a small smile almost as if whatever Steve laughed at Bucky was bashful it made him do so. 

Steve turns behind him and notices everyone looking away but not with confusion or curiosity but with 'oh those boys' smiles. "See," Steve says. "We're great actors. Now I think I will get that 2nd drink." Steve's eyes look harsh and he's about to walk away. 

"Am I really that unbearable to be around?" Bucky asks. It takes Steve back a little he's about to answer or give some kind of quip Bucky's not sure because it's then that he sees Sam walking over and his eyes somehow give some sort of signal to Steve to turn around and 'act normal'. 

"Sam!" Steve says maybe a little to eagerly. 

"Hey guys! Guess we're going to be doing gifts soon. Just letting you know." 

"Oh!" Steve turns to Bucky. "Gifts!" 

Bucky smiles at Steve then looks to Sam. "Before dinner?" 

"Yeah. Tony wants to switch it up a bit I guess. I don't know he told me to get everyone." 

"Great," Steve laughs. 

"So just make your way to the tree and I'll try to find the others," Sam instructs and Steve salutes him. 

"Well lets get this part over with," Steve says once Sam is out of earshot. 

"Lets," Bucky holds out his hand apprehensively and Steve takes it. 

Gifts get open and both Steve and Bucky are pleasantly surprised how much Sam and Riley like theirs and ever more surprised that they didn't suspect a thing. Unless they were just good actors too. 

After everyone's is open Tony claps his hands loudly and announces that dinner is almost ready. Everyone excitedly gets up from their spots around the tree, some rubbing their hungry stomachs. 

Steve had taken off to the table at some point and Bucky spots Riley coming towards him, hiding something in his sweater sleeve. Bucky looks at him confused. Riley nudges him to a corner and Bucky suddenly gets nervous. Does he know? Will he keep it a secret? 

"Hey so that um gift," Riley says, looking around to see that no one else is listening. 

And Buckys swears it's gotten 10 degrees hotter in here in the last second. "Uhh yeah?" 

"I was opening it and I know you put it the bag together. Steve says you liked wrapping gifts and all that." 

Now Bucky is really confused. Why was this so secretive? "Umm yeah." Was Riley really that peculiar about wrapping? He did it quickly in the car, basically throwing Steve's bag in it. 

"I think there was something you put in there you didn't mean to," Riley's smiling now, knowingly. 

Did a receipt slip in? God what else did Steve buy? God what did he buy?

Riley pulls out the object from his sweater sleeve. It's not a receipt like Bucky thought it's... a small box. 

"I wasn't sure it was part of the gift so I opened it and ...definitely not part of the gift. Unless there's something you want to tell me...or Sam?" Riley is almost laughing now but Bucky is still confused. Riley holds out his hand for Bucky to take it, which he does. He thinks he knows before he does so but he opens it and his heart stops at seeing the gold band perfectly placed in the box, the black cushion emphasizing the shine of it. And he wants to cry. His heart is in his throat and he wants to just drop to the ground and sob because this was a ring, a ring used for a proposal. A ring Steve must've bought the beginning of the year thinking this year would end differently. But he can't, he has to swallow his pain he has to pretend it was him instead. 

"Figured you maybe thought gifts would be the last thing so proposal would've been a good finale to a good night?" Riley says lightly. "Unless I totally just messed up and failed to be a good friend and handing you the ring?" 

Bucky closes the box slowly. "Um no, no. You're right." He smiles at Riley. "Thank you."

"Hey maybe you can do it after dessert! Who knows maybe the first snowfall of the year will be tonight." Riley grins and winks at Bucky as he pats him on the shoulder. 

"I'll just put it in my coat jacket and see how the night plays," Bucky says. 

"That works." 

Bucky walks over to the coat rack to slide the ring into his jacket. He'll tell Steve about it later, another thing he was not looking forward to. He almost wants to open it and think about what could've been but he doesn't. He clears his throat and pinches the brings of his nose, _keep those tears in, Barnes._ He thinks to himself. 

Dinner doesn't really ease his anxiety and hurt as all anyone could talk about was cozy nights with their significant other, visiting their family, the one time Sam tried to help Riley make a cake and it exploded in the oven, and how great it was that Bruce and Thor finally decided to try to make things work with each other. Then as the main course is being put on their dishes Tony decided to also dish out the latest gossip around the Avengers office. Who got fired, who got a raise, who thought there was no cameras and decided to hook up in the IT room. Which then leads Nat to the next subject....

"Speaking of IT, did you guys hear that Brenda and Brandon broke up?" 

"Who?" Rhodey, Clint, and Tony all say. 

"OH these 2 IT techs..." Carol says. 

"Noo they were so sweet together," Sharon says. 

"Wait I saw them all the time, " Bruce claims. "They were never apart." 

"I know," Nat says. "I couldn't believe it when she told me." 

"She told you?" Hill asked. 

Nat nods. 

Bucky shifts in his seat. He's seen them both a few times when he'd visit Steve. They seemed happy, then again him and Steve did too. He looks at Steve who looks like he's pretending he's not listening. 

"What'd she say? Why'd they break up?" Rambeau asks. 

Nat shrugs. "Just said one day it seems he woke up, looked at her, and he wasn't in love with her anymore." 

Bucky swallows his food, harshly. It almost getting stuck as he tries to hold back his emotions. 

"Jesus," Carol says.

"Yeah just packed up his bags and left. They shared that house for 8 year-" Nat is interrupted with the sound of silverware hitting a dish loudly. 

"I um...I'm sorry I'm not really feeling well," Bucky says quickly as he tries to scoot out of his chair. 

"Oh no. It wasn't the green bean casserole was it?" Tony asks. "I actually did make that myself." 

"No, no." Bucky lets out an uncomfortable chuckle. "I'm sorry. I'll be right back." He takes off, quickly making his way up the stairs to the bathroom he was thankfully shown a little after they had gotten there that evening. 

With Bucky's sudden departure they all turn to Steve. "Uh..." Steve clears his throat. "His stomach has been a bit off for a few days." 

They all nod. 

"Hope it's not the same thing he had Halloween," Sam says, and there's something in the way he says it Steve can't put his hand on. He lets it go though and decided to play back into the act. 

"I should go see if he's okay," Steve says as he gets up to follow Bucky. 

He finds his way to the first bathroom on top of the stairs. 

He lightly knocks on the wood. "Hey, Bucky. You in there." He hears things on the counter inside moving around. "It's Steve." He keeps up the nice voice, not sure how this house carries noise and the stairs were pretty close to the dining area. 

Bucky does nothing. 

Steve breathes in. "It's okay. You can let me in. Come on, honey." 

That seems to get something, Steve realizes as he hears the lock slowly shift on the door. Bucky lets it open a little bit, letting Steve do the rest if he wanted to come in. The water on the sink is running and as Steve fully walks in he sees Bucky splashing his face with it. Steve closes the door and turns on the fan. 

"What was all that?" Steve asks, and Bucky's surprised it doesn't have as much bite to it as he was expecting. It's still harsh though almost as if Steve is blocking any softness to come through. 

"I can't do it. I don't understand. I don't... I don't get it," Bucky says all at once and he starts pacing. This triggers something in Steve, the pacing, the sweating, speaking hurriedly. He puts his hand on Buckys shoulder, almost tenderly. 

"Look, just...sit down." Steve motions to the closed toilet lid. Bucky nods and listens. Steve turns the sink back on and grabs a washcloth. He wets the cloth and hands it to Bucky. "Use that instead. Less mess and less drowning feeling." He says. 

Bucky takes the cloth and nods, he's calmed a little. No matter what Bucky will admit Steve always had some sort of calming effect on him, even when he hated him. 

"I'm gonna head back downstairs. Just keep pressing that on your neck and face."

Bucky is staring at the cloth now. Not seeming to acknowledge what Steve just said. 

"Maybe we should t-" He starts until he's interrupted. 

"When?" Bucky asks, looking up from the washcloth in his hand. 

"When what?" Steve asks back. 

"When did you..." Bucky shakes his head, he's not sure he can actually say it. "When did you fall out of love with me?" He chokes out.

"Who says I did?" Steve stands there almost making Bucky feel dumb for even asking it. 

"You left." Bucky says bluntly. "You left and you didn't even say anything, we didn't even have a fight. I just came home one day and you packed your stuff. I don't understand how you can stand there and say you never fell out of love with me when you just...left." Bucky says, placing the wet washcloth on the counter. 

"I thought it'd be less painful." Steve says, and he looks down to the ground, no longer wanting to make eye contact with Bucky. Or maybe he couldn't? 

"What are you talking about?" Bucky asks. 

"I thought leaving you and being the one to end it would be less painful then you being the one to." He moves around letting his back lean on the sink counter now instead. He stares at the bathroom wall. "I left because I didn't want to sit there and have a conversation on how the person I loved most no longer loved me the same." Bucky can see the adams apple in Steve's throat bob up and down. "I didn't answer your calls because I didn't want to hear you explain that to me." He says slowly, carefully so Bucky could really hear it. But Bucky still doesn't understand. 

"But I never stopped..." Bucky says. 

He watches Steve close his eyes almost as if to steady himself, something Bucky was familiar in doing. He turns to Bucky and Bucky can finally see the pain, the hurt that this breakup has been causing him as well. Steve's eyes soften in sadness. "Bucky you were constantly pushing me away or became uninterested. No, we didn't have a fight but we had that."

"I wasn't-" But then Bucky remembers. He wasn't aware how actively he was doing it or rather how successful he did do it but-. "The blonde," He says out loud as he remembers the reasoning.

"You weren't _the blonde_?" Steve asks. 

"No," Bucky almost laughs at the way his sentence must've sounded. "Well... sort of?"

"I'm not understanding. What blonde? Sharon? Carol?"

"No. No." 

"Then what are you talking about? I don't know a blonde," Steve says. 

Bucky breathes in."She's new. Pepper's assistant...or Tony's I'm not sure about that whole situation anymore," Bucky says lightly but Steve's face is blank, then searching, then.

"Oh..."

_Yeah 'oh'._

"So you pushed me away for...Pepper's assistant? Someone I barely know?" Steve asks, and his voice starts to rise.

"I just wanted you do be happy," Bucky admits.

"Who says I wasn't?" Steve uncrosses his arms.

That almost shocks Bucky to stop talking, not that Steve was ever happy with him but that he was admitting it now. Now it's Buckys turn to not make eye contact with Steve. "You were always having to take care of me, watch out for me there's no way you...and she...she was so..." Bucky trails off. 

"She was 'so' what?" Steve asks.

"So nice and ...funny. She made you laugh and she was..." _Stable? Healthy? Secure? Socially acceptable?_

"She was?"

"She would've been easier to love, easier to love then me," Bucky says softly, picking at his nails. 

"Bucky," Steve says, fully calm now. "Loving you was the easiest thing I ever had to do."

Bucky looks back up at Steve and Steve can tell he's so confused and it kills him why. Did he not tell Bucky enough how much he loved him? How happy he was with him?

"I'm still lost why her?" Steve says. "You could've pushed this idea onto anyone we work with."

And Bucky doesn't want to say it and a part of him is pissed Steve is making him. Shouldn't he know?

"Well because she liked you."

" A lot of people like-" Steve smiles.

"And you liked her."

Steve almost laughs but thankfully his self control let him know how wildly inappropriate that'd be. His eyes still widen telling he clearly didn't know what Bucky was on about.

"Wha...Who...?" He really can't find the words to get his sentence out but he knows he has to quickly before Bucky pushes past him through the doors and they never get this, what is now looking like an insane misunderstanding, fixed. "What made you think that? Who... who made you think that?"

"They said whenever you guys would talk... sparks where there and that I should just let you go because-" Bucky ignores the question or maybe he didn't hear, to lost in the memory of the things this stranger told him. 

"Bucky all I've ever said to her was 'good morning' and maybe 'have a good night'" Steve says.

"No he said-"

"Who? Who said?" Steve asks again. "Bucky, I swear to you I've never said more then 5 words to her let alone felt anything for anyone besides you."

"If I let her have you. You'd be happier." Bucky says and it almost sounds like a repeat of someone else's words. 

"It's not true. None of that is true. You have to believe me. After everything, Bucky. You know I'm not a liar." Steve says, god how could he let whatever this was happen. This whole time apart...

"Yeah but,' Bucky tries to say.

"We already broke up why would I continue to lie about it?" 

"Well why would he ?"

"Who?" Steve asks once more.

"Baron." Bucky finally says.

"Zemo??" Steve sighs and now he's the one pacing back and forth. "God suddenly this all makes sense."

Bucky eyes him curiously.

"Real genius this guy," Steve continues. He turns to Bucky. "Zemo has been trying to get back at me ever since I got him fired, or so he claims. And yeah I've reported him a few times. It's not my fault they found some more on him when they dug deeper."

"But he's seems so...genuine?" Bucky says.

"I know. It's a trick. It's how he got out of being fired the first few times." Steve says.

"So you really don't know her."

Steve shakes his head. "To be honest...she's not even that good of a receptionist." Steve whispers. Bucky gives a small laugh. "She's nice," Steve admits. "I'm sure she'll make someone happy, but not me." Steve looks down at Bucky. "I've only ever had eyes for one person." Steve lets his hands slide down Bucky's arm incase he still didn't get it through that he meant him. 

"Me too," Bucky says, and takes Steve's hand in his. It's not stiff, or unfeeling this time. It's warm and comforting. 

"Why did you never come to me with this?" Steve asks, using his other hand to run over Bucky's knuckles on the hand his other was holding. 

Bucky shrugs. "Same reason you never talked to me I guess. Didn't want to hear it outloud." 

Steve nods. "Touché"

"Should we rejoin?" Steve asks after a moment. "Wouldn't want them to think we left."

"Would that be so bad?" Bucky laughs. All this resolved and Bucky wants nothing more then to properly be alone with Steve.

"It's just a few more hours. Then we can have all the time we want," Steve grins, and gives Bucky a little wink.

"Guess you're right," Steve holds out his other hand and Bucky grabs it. Using Steve to lift himself off since the man now had both of his hands. "Steve?" He says after letting go of one hand and they head for the bathroom door.

"Hm?" Steve turns back. 

"I really missed you," Bucky says. 

Steve smiles and he wants to cry, happiness this time. "I really missed you too, Bucky." He bends his neck a little bit and lets his lips touch Bucky's. Bucky kisses back as soon as he gets over the initial shock of the kiss. He lifts his hand to run through Steve's hair. 

"We should stop," Bucky laughs. "I feel we could be stuck in here a lot longer if I keep going." 

Steve laughs as well and pulls further away. "Fineee." He keeps his hand closed around Bucky's and pulls him behind him through the door. 

They walk down the stairs hand in hand and rejoin the group. "Hey look who's feeling better!" Steve says when they enter back.

"Seems like you both are," Sam says in an almost knowing tone again.

Steve looks to Bucky who just shrugs.

"Glad you're back with us," Riley says.

Bucky smiles. "Yeah Steve had the right thing for me."

"Bet he did," Sam retorts again.

"That must be nice," Pepper says. "Being in a couple where you just know each other that well." She says sarcastically, trying to hold in a grin as she looks at Tony.

"Hey!" Tony yells in defense. "I got you that bear!"

"Oh you mean the bear as big as the house I never alluded to wanting? The one I begged you to return."

"I'm sure plenty of people here gave their partner gifts they try to return." 

Everyone shakes their head. 

"Come on. Steve? Bucky? You two have been together what? A hundred years?" 

"Very funny," Steve says and turns to Bucky. "Can't say I have though? You?" 

Bucky smiles at him then looks to Tony. "Nope." 

"OH COME ON!" They all laugh at Tony's expense. 

The rest of the evening was great. Dinner ended and dessert was amazing. They talked around some more, watched some Christmas specials (all after Bucky and Steve's time), created new memories. 

Bucky and Steve make some sort of excuse to be one of the first to leave. They were only beat out by the other couples, two of which had flights to catch in the morning. 

"Hey," Riley claps Bucky on the shoulder. "Sorry it didnt' work out tonight." He says. And Bucky looks at him confused. He quickly points to his ring finger and Bucky's eyes widen. 

"Ohh. Oh that's okay. I'll think of something. " 

"I'm sure you will." Riley nods. "Merry Christmas!" 

"Merry Christmas," Bucky says as he grabs his and Steve's coat. 

Steve comes out of the kitchen, his arms carrying containers filled with leftovers. Bucky puts his own coat on and meets Steve halfway to help. 

"Here let me grab those," He says taking the containers from Steve and handing him his coat. "You put that on." 

Steve does so and holds his arms back out for the containers. 

"It's okay. I got them," Bucky smiles. "Thank you guys," he yells back out to Tony and Peppers. 

"Merry Christmas," They yell, waving to them from the kitchen. 

They make their way to the parked car, in a much better place then when leaving it. Steve opens his back door to help Bucky put the containers in a place that would be safe from his driving. 

Then Bucky remembers again. 

"Wait, Steve." He says as he's about to get in the driver's seat. 

"It's okay, Buck. I really did only have 2 drinks and one eggnog later but that was a while ago." 

"No, no. Not that." 

"Then what?" Steve asks standing back up, god was he about to take everything back?

Bucky makes his way over to Steve, his hands deep in his coat pockets. "Riley says when he was opening our gifts he...well he found this and I think it," Bucky slowly pulls out the box, not wanting to part with it now. "I think it belongs to you." He holds out the box in his palm to Steve. 

Steve at first seems like he doesn't recognize it and then his face changes to realization. "Oh wow," He takes the box from Bucky. "I thought I lost it, or sold it an forgot in an upset state...he said it was in the giftbag?" 

'Yeah."

"God I must've kept the bag and just put their gift in there and I didn't even check," Steve shakes his head. "How could I not have checked?" He asks himself. He looks at Bucky. "Oh no and he gave it to you." 

Bucky nods. 

"Oh shit, Bucky. I'm sorry." 

Bucky shrugs it off. "It's okay. It's not mine anyways."

Steve, who had opened the box just to see it it really was the ring he had gotten, now closes it. "But it is. I mean it's meant for you. If you... unless you don't." 

Definitely not the best proposal, definitely not the worst. But for them Bucky knows they both deserved more, not a proposal right after a reconsiliation. 

"There's nothing more I would want," Bucky says. "But maybe for the sake of everything, and for us, maybe next Christmas will be better?" 

He smiles softly and Steve agrees. He puts the ring in his own coat pocket. "Next Christmas," He says. 

Bucky moves over to the passenger side and gets in. He watches Steve do the same, turn on the car, and turn up the heat. "Plus," Bucky adds. "By next Christmas I'll forget what it looks like so I really will be in total shock." 

Steve laughs and shakes his head. "As you wish," He says, grabbing Bucky's hand again and kissing it softly. 

They take off, not stopping to get Buckys car and not dropping Bucky off. The car they'll get in the morning as well as Steve's boxes both to bring back home. 

-

-

-

_"I love you and you love me_

_And that's the way it's got to be_

_I loved you from the start_   
_'_

_Cause Christmas ain't the time for breaking each other's heart"_

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! As always kudos and comments are well appreciated :)


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